Bert and Ernie, Menaces to Society.

I know the gossip of my coworkers is not a reliable source of news. And I am very much aware that what I say now could be vicious rumor( but I doubt it. West Baptist Church has made me believe that even the most heinous and stupid actions in the name of God are still possible in this supposedly enlightened day and age) But there was a conversation among those whom I work with who have children in the break room the other day that made me very, deeply agitated.

Seems that certain "family oriented" groups have been and are trying to get certain characters of the much-loved children's TV show "Sesame Street" changed and/or eliminated from the show.

Surely, what could be wrong with the critters who inhabit that sound stage street that taught so many of us numbers and letters? Apparently, some of them are teaching the children of America bad morals.

You may be asking yourself, as I have, "What sort of bullshit Christian right junta are we living in?" Well, those of us who do not understand the finer points of raising children in an environment where there are no messages whatsoever that take away the innocence of childhood and the sanctity of good Christian living. Allow me to relay the points that were told to me.

Point one: Oscar the Grouch should be removed from the show. Because his representation of homeless people (he lived in a trash can, and ergo was homeless. Never mind he's a freaking monster, and his proud race of green acrylic furred peoples may choose to live in trashcans, as a facet of their culture) portrayed a negative stereotype: that homeless people both exist and are very grouchy about their existence. It somehow allowed kids to infer that homeless people are grouchy.

Now, if you had no home, wouldn't you be grouchy? I know I would be. Especially in America, where it's somehow OK to treat homeless people like animals. And anyone who watched Oscar in action knows Oscar wasn't always grouchy. He just didn't like people making a lot of noise outside his trashcan--when he was learning about the letter k, he was a fairly content ball of fuzz.

But, no, cranky and homeless people are undermining children's sense of right.

Point Two: Bert an Ernie, obvious homosexuals, should find other living arrangements, as their current situation (living together and sharing a room, albeit with separate beds) is a clear indicator of their homosexuality. I have never met a child of Sesame Street watching age who immediately assume that two men sharing living quarters are buggering one another. That's the transference of homophobic parents onto Bert and Ernie--two innocent little Muppets whose only crimes may be bizarre attachments to paper clips and rubber duckies-- are gay. Kids don't immediately connect so-called "deviant" sex with how people are living together. Unless, of course, they are taught by their parents to do so--making it an entirely adult assumption.

And even if Bert and Ernie ARE gay, who gives a shit? It's not like they're making mad puppet love brought to you by the number 3. The point of Sesame Street was to teach counting, numbers, and how other people live and work. That's why there were people and monsters who were different colors residing there.

Point Three: Snuffalupagus, Big Birds' imaginary friend, is an obvious drug reference. You see, because only Big Bird can see him, he's a clear hallucination.

Really? Because when I was little, when you had a friend onyl you could see, you weren't trippin' on LSD, or even schizophrenic. You had an imaginary friend. big Bird has the mentality of an eight-year-old, but never mind that. Imaginary friends are the stuff of drug addicts and blemishes to our society.

Point Four: Cookie Monster's new "cookies are a sometimes food" mantra. The argument for this new change of heart towards his beloved tasty treats (something I think tastes far more of out-of-control PC beliefs more than the Radical Right) was that his zeal was "encouraging childhood obesity". Riiiiiiiiight. It's all a blue muppets fault that YOUR kid is fat. It's not, say, a parent's inability to teach their children about correct portion sizes and feed them nutritious, healthy food. It's not the parent's fault they don't encourage their children to play active games outside.

No, your kid isn't fat because you gave into their whining for a PlayStation or Nintendo DS and let them play it nonstop (I have nothing against video games. I just think sometimes they should be turned off for a game of freeze tag), because you feed them "quick" and toxic foods, and because you don't have the time to teach them about savoring foods and proper portion sizing. Your kid isn't fat because you don't have the time to explain to them that a) Cookie Monster is a monster, not a little kid, and because of that he can get away with things they can't, and b) Cookie Monster is a fat little monster BECAUSE of his love for cookies.

It's not your fault, folks. This one's all cookie monster.


I am so beyond livid at the current state of children's programming. It's been sugar0coated and nice-ified to the point where none of it feels different from any other show. There are no cartoon characters smashing one another with mallets, and I have yet (on my days where there is very little to do before I ship off to work) to find one which adequately deals with the subject of "stranger danger". But hell, we're teaching preschoolers how to speak Spanish!

I'm so sick of this country, I'm sick of the overly-liberal, who attack people wearing leather jackets and drink milk (if you have ever seen a cow who has not been milked for a while, you know how desperately cows need milking. They don't care what you use it for. Too much milk in an udder is painful to a cow and can cause serious infection).

I am sick of all the decisions being made by white protestant republicans in the Midwest who have no sense of humor and transfer all their dirty daydreams onto things like children's TV shows, turning something as innocent as the muppets into "bad moral role models".

I'm sick of the apathy of young people, who choose not to vote because "it's not going to make a difference" or it's what "the establishment" does--all the while forgetting that if people do not vote, the establishment will NEVER change. Who bitch about how bad their lives are but don't lift a finger to try and change them, who buy shirts touting Eco-friendly awareness made on non-organic cotton and printed with toxic ink.

I'm sick of everyone who disrespects literature, especially religious literature. That includes the Christians who think it's OK to tear up literature or burn to Koran. This includes kids who think it's OK to burn Bibles. I don't care if it's not what you believe in, it's a piece of literature, and the ability to access literature and to read it is a gift too many people take for granted. I personally deeply dislike Scientology, but I have never defaced a copy of "Dianetics". It's hugely disrespecful and shows zero maturity.

If you don't agree with something you read, put it down. If you don't agree with something you see on TV, change the channel. If you don't agree with how someone thinks, leave them alone and go find someone who you can better relate to.

The world has already ended, and we're burning in a hell of ignorance and disrespect.